The last two months have been challenging. I was laid off from my job in mid-May. Although, it’s not effective until the end of the year. Then, in early June, I passed out twice at a family event and only learned a few weeks ago that it was a small stroke. Needless to say I felt varied emotions over these few months. About my job, I felt resentment, anger, and sadness. Add on to that feelings of fear and confusion associated with the stroke.

For the most part, I have been wonderfully supported and loved during this time. My family and friends have helped in ways too numerous to list, for which I am very grateful. My husband is handling household chores and errands that we used to share, not to mention him having to cope with his own emotions around my stroke. My spirit guides and God have been less helpful than I would have liked. I looked to them for understanding, but I haven’t gotten a lot of details. Their continual message of trust has left me feeling a bit alone at times and admittedly resentful.

All of this has resulted in my need to step back and rest, even around my healer of the spirit calling. It’s not always easy. Since I launched this site back in January, I felt on a roll with writing, attending workshops, and taking risks as a healer of the spirit. So, I’ve had to set some things on the back burner as I move through this time.

With my health still uncertain, I’m essentially being forced to really appreciate each moment and each day, without planning for the future. That’s a good thing. And daily, I’m still being reminded to trust God, my doctors, Michael, friends, and just let go.

So, I’m left with a number of unknowns and learning to be comfortable with being uncomfortable, especially as I have further medical tests scheduled about my health situation.

Perhaps some of you have been in a similar situation with your career, relationships, or even health. To use the twelve step phrase, it’s truly about embracing one day at a time.

In a “Time Traveler’s Guide to the Universe” workshop that I’m currently taking with Denise Linn, Dr. Brand Fortner, and others, Denise said the following:

“Sometimes for new growth, you need chaos.“

That statement stopped me in my tracks.

I work in the software industry that is in constant flux. New products and strategies are regularly being developed. At times, it feels like I’m perpetually juggling my work. In addition, throughout this whole pandemic, as medical folks learned more about COVID-19, their understanding and guidelines changed, requiring us to make perpetual adjustments to our activities. It’s often felt chaotic and overwhelming. Perhaps you’ve felt the same.

I’ve always viewed being overwhelmed as a bad thing because it felt crappy. In these situations, my focus became re-prioritizing my work and activities, and setting boundaries and expectations about what I could and couldn’t do. The goal was to get over the overwhelmed feeling as quickly as possible. Rather than thinking of those times as something negative, Denise’s statement challenges me to see chaos as a vehicle of growth and therefore positive.

So how might it be positive? Well, as I often equate chaos with feeling out of control, perhaps the growth area is acknowledging, again (<chagrin>) that I don’t control everything. Equally important, though, is viewing the chaos as fertile ground through which new and unexpected opportunities can appear. For much of my life, as a result of feeling unsafe, I became hypervigilant to protect myself. That didn’t leave much space for anything new.

So, Denise’s statement challenges me to let the uncomfortable feeling of chaos be, and invite my spiritual guides and God to plant seeds into that ground to help me grow and expand. Just as the universe expands, as learned from the workshop, so too, I believe that there are more possibilities out there that I can currently conceive.

What do you think? I invite you to post your own thoughts.

Blog Addendum – May 18, 2021

As mentioned elsewhere, my guides and God send messages and support via songs. When I took my daily walk this morning, two songs about living your dreams popped into my head. One from the Greatest Showman musical, and, believe it or not, the other from the Lizzie McGuire movie. The line in the Lizzie McGuire song was “Hey now, this is what dreams are made of.” Reflecting on John Connors’ comments to this blog made me realize that in pursuing your dreams, there may be challenges and perhaps even pain involved. I’m experiencing that now with my job situation. And that’s as much as part of the dream as the successes and synchronicities we experience as we pursue it. Thanks John for your wisdom.